Entire magazine read in newsagency
January 2009 from The Chaser
Despite the clear presence of a sign informing
customers it is "not a lending library", Erskineville Newsagency was
visited by a no-good freeloader last Tuesday afternoon. The offender, a
non-descript mid-20s man in a business suit, made no pretence of
purchasing the August issue of RALPH, choosing instead to peruse the publication while
standing in the Men's Lifestyle section.
Powerball syndicate member Aidan Cleveland witnessed the thrifty
Caucasian male's entry. "He made a beeline straight for the rack," he
said. "I hadn't seen him in here before, but he knew his way around the
place like he was a local."
New Idea fan Janice Hanbury, who was selecting a giraffe-themed
birthday card for her three-year-old niece at the time of the intrusion,
watched as the man read the entire issue, from the contents all the way
through to the What I Know About... section on the back page.
Adding insult to injury, the tight-fisted man even scanned the
magazine's ads, chuckling at a risque phone-sex offering. "He certainly
enjoyed the issue," said Hanbury. "If he'd paid for it, he would've really
got his money's worth."
Newsagent Ian Jameson, who earns several dollars from each sale of
RALPH, was
powerless to act: "Normally I would've walked over and ask if he needed any
help, but I was busy selling scratchies. By the time I thought to confront him,
he was three-quarters of the way through it. I just had to cross my fingers and
hope he'd buy a tin of Eclipse mints on his way out."
"He didn't," Jameson added.
RALPH editor Santi Pintado has used the opportunity to declare a
victory over rival FHM. "This just goes to prove we're still number one
when it comes to providing quality reading material for Aussie blokes. Even if
they don't want to pay for it."
In the wake of the transaction-free invasion, Jameson has vowed to keep
an eye out for any reappearance of the rogue reader. "I've added another
strongly worded sign about purchasing things you plan to read, right near
the RALPH slot. Next time he'll think twice before blocking my
aisles with his shiftless, content-stealing carcass."
The magazine-reading man was later
spotted listening to CDs on the complimentary headphones at HMV.
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